The Agony and the Parody

In April I went on a two-week package tour of Northern India (Uttaranchal) with sixteen Singaporeans. Not my first experience with India. Not my first experience with package tours. Not even my first experience with package tours in India.

Nor was it my first time with Singaporeans; long ago I lived in Singapore for a few years as an exchange student and itinerant computer programmer. OK. So I have no one to blame but myself.

The Singaporean self-image is greedy and cheap, summed up by their word for themselves: "kia su" — afraid to lose. The April tour was one of the worst experiences of my life, but it was inspiring.

The following song, which I wrote, which was written by me, that I wrote, by myself as it were, being the one who wrote it you see, [that clear enough, Eric?] contains Singaporean patois and is sung to the tune of The Bangle's Walk Like an Egyptian.

All the statues in Tiger Balm Park

They look real weird can't you see

You stay there your side (oh ai yo)

How come you are so kay po chee



All the towkay boys at the stores

They want to know: are you gonna buy

Why no discount (oh ai yo)

They kick you out but you don't know why



Private cops at the tourist shops go

Ai yo ai yo, ai yo ai yo

Tour like Singaporeans



At the buffet they go first

Then they go back, take some more

They're scared to lose (oh ai yo)

You get in front then they get sore



Get on the bus, chope the best seats

Stay out of the back of the van

Keep it all for me (oh ai yo)

We're touring like Singaporeans



All the kids milling in the malls go

Ai yo ai yo, ai yo ai yo

Tour like Singaporeans



[whistle]



Best one is under the stack

Get your share, go on attack

Stuff's much too kwee (oh ai yo)

So try to get your money back



If you wanna find all the cabs

They're eating laksa in the stalls

They so kiasu (oh ai yo)

Can or not give more they will call



All the memsahibs with their men

They never heard about ASEAN

And the nonyas know (oh ai yo)

They tour around like Singaporeans



All the cabs eating chili crab cry

Ai yo ai yo, ai yo ai yo

Tour like Singaporeans

Tour like Singaporeans

Uttaranchal wasn't any picnic either. Note to Indians: stop burning everything!