Wednesday, September 1

Ich bin eine Republikaner

The Gubernator's convention speech is so easy to parody that only someone with no self-restraint would stoop to it. OK, here goes:

My fellow body-builders, my fellow Americans, how do you know if you are a Republican? Well, I tell you how. If you believe that government should be accountable to the people who make the big political contributions, not to any random idiot, then you are a Republican.

If you believe a person should only be told the things they need to know, not every detail of what their leaders do, then you are a Bush Republican.

If you believe claims of improvement in America's strategic, environmental and economic prospects more than you believe the evidence all around you, then you are a Republican.

If you believe our educational system should be accountable for our children's progress (learning abstinence and creationism), but cabinet officials needn't be accountable for the performance of their departments, then you are a Bush Republican.

If you believe that your leaders should bombastically praise our military while ignoring their advice, shortchanging them in men and material, all the while cutting soldier's benefits, then you are a Bush Republican.

If you believe that the best way to protect our way of life requires keeping American citizens jailed for years without access to courts or council, to strip-search Teddy Kennedy when he goes to the airport, and cutting the budget of the Air Marshal service, then you are a Bush Republican.

If you believe that our country is governed best when its laws and initiatives are ironically named ("Clear Skies" and "Healthy Forests" are my favorites), then you are a Bush Republican.

And, ladies and gentlemen, if you believe that we must be fierce and relentless in promoting Haliburton and other companies in the oil business, then you are a Bush Republican.

Now, there's another way you can tell you're a Bush Republican. You have faith in big business, faith in the resourcefulness of rich people and faith that losers deserve their fate. And to those critics who are always harping about the unchecked greed of our President's corporate cronies, I say: Don't be economic girlie-men.



Anonymous said...

Surely, you do realize "Republikaner" is the name of the German neo-nazi party...

AMS said...

No, I didn't know. And the fact is too good to ignore: I've changed the word in the title of the post from "Republican" to "Republikaner". More parallel to "Berliner" anyway.


Rabbi Jonathan B. Freirich said...

Great piece - so glad you didn't resist the temptation.

All this reminds me of Lewis Lapham's piece in last month's Harper's on the conservative propaganda machine. Lapham tried to identify a unifying ideology for the conservative right, and all he could come up with was: "Money is good for the rich, and bad for the poor."